Letting Go

I used to be really angry at the world. And while I think I still am I’m not angry at my parents anymore. I dunno why I’m so pissed off at the world. It’s probably me not dealing with whatever shit has been chucked my way and blaming it on everything around me. Either way, everything changed when my Nan died a month ago. I was never close to my Nan. I don’t think a single soul was. She wasn’t maternal at all. She didn’t share a bed with her husband, I seriously doubt if they were ever in love at all. My mum and I went up to her house in Scotland the day after she died. Together we did it all. We registered the death, arranged the funeral, organised removing and donating her belongings - everything. Just mum & I. It was one of the most surreal experiences I’ve ever had. While sorting through my nans things I found two pictures of my mum. One when she was 2 years old and one when she was roughly 8. I don’t know if I’m the only one this has happened to but seeing my mum as a child completely changed how I see her in general. Before I saw those pictures she was just my mum. I’ve only ever seen her over the age of 42. A strong woman, a mother, a teacher, an artist, a grandmother. Obviously I knew she had to have been a child at one point but it never occurred to me really. Once my Aunty arrived in Scotland to help us with the last few things we got chatting and I was told stories of their childhood. And not all good ones. Something happened inside me. Having an image in my head of the child my mother was and then the horrific stories to go with it made my blood boil. How could ANYONE hurt that little girl. How could anyone DARE hurt that little girl. My mum is the soppiest most sensitive gentle kind woman you will ever meet. Don’t get me wrong, she can be a right pain just as much and the next person can and I know for sure I do her head in equally. But how could anyone knowing her, looking at her do ANYTHING to upset her? It just doesn’t make sense. It goes against nature. I’ve decided to wrap her up in bubble wrap. It is bizarre. I can’t remember when - maybe a year ago? Possibly two, I really really struggled with my relationship with my mum. After the worst thing that ever happened in my life I felt let down by her. I didn’t blame her for the event but I did blame her for not protecting me afterwards. I didn’t know what to feel or what I was ALLOWED to feel. I was so conflicted. I knew I loved her but I felt betrayed. One day I decided to let it go. It really was as simple as that. I told myself - my mum has the best intentions. Whether her decisions turned out to be right or wrong (for me) I know she didn’t set out to hurt me. Never has done and never will. I still have strong opinions on what happened at the actual time. However when it comes to my mums actions, it’s done. It’s irrelevant. The weight that lifted off my shoulders that day was immense. I actually told her about two days later that I had been struggling and what I told myself. And that now I see things differently. I have no idea what she thought of this, maybe I should ask. So everything’s changed. I’m not angry at my mum anymore. At all. I love her to absolute pieces. I would move mountains for her. It’s weird how losing someone can actually make you gain things. I’m getting there slowly with my dad. Something has changed with my relationship with him too- because of the way things have changed with my mum. It’s not perfect. I doubt it will ever be. But I love him and that’s not something I used to openly admit.  I’m sorry I took so much time away. I didn’t know if I would ever come back. I still don’t know what the future holds for Happy Bunnie, but I hope to speak again soon. If you’ve managed to wade your way through all this drop me a message to say hi, I’m feeling kind of nervous to get back into blogging after a month away so need some hugs 😘 Bunnie x