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Your Stories - The North Left

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I realised I had a problem with anxiety. I certainly wasn’t aware of it as a teenager but, reflecting on those years now, I can see how much anxiety affected my life even though I didn’t know what it was.

I think everyone has probably experienced feeling anxious before. Anxiety as a mental health condition, though, is more than the usual pre-exam nerves, or speech-giving jitters. Everyone affected by anxiety as a condition experiences it slightly differently; some people might have panic attacks; some can feel like they’re in a fight-or-flight survival situation and experience the biochemical response that goes along with that, even though they’re perfectly safe; some experience it along with symptoms similar to depressive illnesses.

Anxiety can be crippling. It can keep us awake at night, stop us from leaving the house, and cause us to feel prisoners in our own minds.

Some people confuse the behaviour of someone with anxiety with shyness, or even rudeness. Actually, I’m just so embarrassed by my own existence, terrified of saying or doing something ‘wrong’, and I’m too distracted by my anxious inner monologue to focus on what’s happening. I bet that probably does come across as rude, and I worry about that, too.

I have written about my anxiety many times, because I find it helps me understand and make sense of it myself, but I’ve never published anything, because I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of judgement, especially since I’ve seen so many people criticising bloggers on social media for ‘pretending’ to have anxiety because it’s now ‘trendy’, with many big social influencers explaining that they’ve suffered with the condition.

I’m worried that people will laugh at me, or avoid me, or that my story won’t be good enough. Basically, anxiety has stopped me writing about anxiety.

So I’m extremely grateful to Bunnie for allowing me this opportunity to share my little story on her wonderful blog. Somehow, this way, it seems easier.

What does anxiety look like for me?

I’m not anxious all the time. Some days I feel happy, confident, and positive that I can take on whatever is thrown at me. Some days, anxiety leaves me feeling like a stranger in the world, and I just can’t face it, so I retreat to my comfort zone. I might not even get out of bed on those days.

Sometimes, I worry to excess about my health, or my appearance, or socialising. But, over the years, I’ve figured out that I struggle the most when I’m going to be in an unfamiliar situation.

For me, living with anxiety means that I can’t do things that other people find normal, easy tasks. I agonise over them for days, weeks, even months before I can push myself to do it. And that’s if I actually do. I talk myself out of a lot of things.

I’m way better than I used to be, and I think that’s come from this awareness that I do have a problem with anxiety. After I realised that, I almost felt relieved to know that it was a thing. I would always tell myself that I was stupid, or weird, because I struggled to do things that others wouldn’t think twice about. Now I realise that I struggle because I have a mental health condition. Although, that condition does, quite often, cause me to tell myself that I’m stupid or weird anyway.

I fight with my thoughts a lot. I try to forgive myself for shying away from something, but then I start to tell myself I’m a failure, I’m not trying hard enough, and it’s no wonder I’m not exactly where I want to be in life. It tears me down and I can’t stop it spiralling from me not being able to manage a small task one day, to I’m a failure and I’ll never achieve anything. No wonder people start to panic.

There is a positive end to this post. Although I still struggle with my mental health, I am noticing that I’m becoming less anxious over time. I notice small changes in my mindset, like not automatically thinking of ways to get out of everything.

No, I’m not exactly where I want to be but, when I have a good day, I can do more things that would normally worry me or scare me.

Now I really want to talk about you lovely people reading this. If any of you can relate to this, or struggle with your own battles with anxiety of any kind, please just know that you are not alone. Mental health conditions can be incredibly isolating and lonely, but can also be a very unifying thing. I love the relief I feel when I read a blog post or an article about anxiety that I can relate to. I’m drawn to these people, because I feel like we might be able to understand each other on at least one level. It doesn’t really matter if we share any other common ground, we could discuss all of this for hours over a cuppa, and make each other feel more normal.

So, if you are struggling, get whatever support you need. Whether that’s a person, a therapy, or a (healthy) coping technique. Whatever you need to get yourself up and through the difficult parts of the day. You can get it done, like you have before. It’s going to be hard, but it’s ok to be scared and need an escape route if you feel overwhelmed. You don’t have to force yourself to do anything.

I know that there are so many awful things going on in the world, but talking about personal issues doesn’t take anything away from that. Pain is relative. Anxiety can’t be reasoned with, and you can’t logic your way out of it. You can’t just switch it off, or tell yourself someone has it worse and be done with it. On that basis, we’d never be sad or angry about anything in our own lives.

Some days, I can’t decide whether or not it’s ok for me to be this way. All I know is that I’m a well-meaning person, trying the best I can, wanting to participate in life.

Thank you so much for reading this far, and again to Bunnie for sharing her blog space with me. I hope you’re all enjoying the Your Stories series, and finding it both informative and comforting, I know I am.

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