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Your Stories - Anxiously, Me


Hi everyone!

I wanted to start off this post by thanking Bunnie for asking me to write about my experience with living with mental illnesses. I jumped at the chance as I love her blog and think she’s pretty amazing as a person.

For those who don’t know me I’m known as “Anxiously Me” on all social media associated with my blog and always sign off said blog posts with “Anxiously, Me”. I like to remain anonymous as my posts are more about the stories/lessons rather than being about me personally. It also means that I don’t have to worry about being bullied (in person or via the internet) by anyone I may mention in my posts or those who bullied me anonymously on old forums like ask.fm. I also keep names confidential as, again, it’s not about the people but rather the things they did that made me who I am today. My blog consists mainly of my recounts of my experiences with things such as toxic friendships, bullying and my day-to-day life with dealing with severe anxiety & depression, as well as having helpful information on topics/issues such as panic attacks, depersonalisation and how our bodies, brains and behaviour feed the vicious cycle of anxiety.

In terms of my anxiety I have been diagnosed as having generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder and social anxiety disorder. With that comes depersonalisation & derealisation, agoraphobia (in my case; the inability to be in places (particularly busy ones)/with more than two people for longer than ten minutes) as I get overwhelmed & overstimulated and I have traits that belong to those who have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that only appear when I am severely unwell. I also have other traits that fall under my diagnosis such as paranoia but do not ever really talk about them.

I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember; I have prominent memories of feeling this way from a very young age (under 8) and don’t know life without it. I was only diagnosed as having anxiety when I was 23 despite having gone to the doctor about how I’ve felt for years. Depression-wise; I had signs of it from a young age as well (around the ages of 9-11) but it only became more apparent that I had it when I was 15. I was formally diagnosed with having it at 19 and was given medication for it, again despite having gone to the doctor for years as it was merely passed off as “teenage hormones”. I think I was predisposed to having anxiety but when it comes to depression, I’m not sure if it is something that already existed in me and was brought out by being bullied or if the bullying caused said depression. I do know, however, that being bullied definitely enhanced my depression and anxiety, and this severe feeling of being unsafe even in my own home.

These disorders make day-to-day living extremely difficult. I can be up all night feeling too frightened to close my eyes, noises outside really causing a spike in my anxiety and, more often than not, end up experiencing depersonalisation & derealisation. Then, when I eventually do fall into a restless, broken sleep, I find it hard to want to wake up/get out of bed. When I am eventually ready/able to get up, I have a routine that I follow to the tee otherwise I feel deeply unsettled to the point where I will have a meltdown, sometimes even a complete breakdown. Something as minor as not making my bed can really leave me feeling “off” all day - even if I correct it – as it disrupts my pattern. I get up, open the curtains wide and either get dressed or go for a shower before getting dressed. When I’m changing/in the shower I have this overpowering need to finish as soon as possible so that I can get downstairs to continue my routine. I live with my parents so when they leave in the mornings I have them lock me in the house so I can sleep without worrying that someone is going to walk in uninvited and when I get downstairs I will still have the doors locked all day. Whether or not I manage to go outside (on a good day I can make it to the corner shop or into town if it’s really early (before they get busy at around 9:30 and have my iPod as a distraction)) I will constantly be going back to check that they (and all windows) are locked. If I am left at home by myself for long periods of time, for example when my parents go on holiday, this compulsion to check locks intensifies to the point where even if I have checked them, I’ll still go back to make sure they’re still locked. The same can be said for insuring that the oven isn’t on/still on or that the toaster isn’t plugged in. I check the same x amount of websites/apps every day in the exact same order and have to clear down all notifications before I can move on. I have to have the same meal format that is eaten in a specific order too. If I make it onto a bus or into the car for a lift (I haven’t been able to even think about doing lessons as it causes too much upset anxiety-wise) then, as I mentioned above, I will take my iPod with me as a distraction. I have to limit the amount of time I go out for as, on good days too, I become overwhelmed to the point where I can no longer hear as well, end up stammering if I talk to others and find myself becoming increasingly agitated. If I’m tired or feeling low any little thing can make me feel worse (such as repetitive noises like a beeping sound, a pen top being clicked or someone breathing) and any motivation, if I’m lucky to have any that day, and productivity goes out the window. I find that having my routine is key to not feeling worse than when I started my day.

Aside from depression making me feel low, teary and unable to want to do anything bar staying in bed/in my room, anxiety also dictates what I can/can’t do. I can’t do anything spontaneous such as going to the beach with my parents as it requires so much forward planning and being in a good place mentality when it comes to how I think I look etc. so that I’m not overcome by paranoia. Until the end of May this year I couldn’t even bring myself to be downstairs with my parents for more than 5 minutes because of how my illnesses make me feel. I don’t like being fussed over (birthdays can be particularly traumatic).I also can never be bothered to dress in anything bar pyjamas or something loose-fitting like an oversized t-shirt and leggings (something I can’t wear outside due to paranoia and self-confidence issues), or if I can force myself to go out, I’ll wear joggers and something that covers me from the neck down to my knees. I’m prone to having breakdowns and cannot work due to my agoraphobia/symptoms of anxiety. Being in the dark also makes it worse as it causes panic attacks (to clarify; I’m not afraid of the dark). However, at night I need to have the blinds and curtains shut. The obsession with checking locks and that the blinds/curtains are closed more than likely stems from incidents where a specific bully would actually come up to my door and shout abuse at not just me but my entire family too, and they would bang on the windows to frighten me.

The long and short of it is: I never feel safe due to anxiety but I also don’t care about a lot of things (my appearance being one) because of depression. I know; it’s a contradiction and it is absolute hell.

If you would like to know more about me, you can find me on my blog or any of the social media I have listed below.

Thanks again to Bunnie for letting me be a guest blogger. Maybe I’ll have you as one of mine one day?

Anxiously,

Me

Anxiously, Me can be found on:

Any and all enquires can be sent via direct message on any of the above mentioned forms of social media or via email to anxiouslymeblog@gmail.com

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