Accepting Chronic Depression
I didn't always know I was different. Yet sometimes something felt wrong. I stood out in ways I just didn't understand. Why did I struggle with things other people could manage to do so easily? Why did I have these mood swings? Why did I have the sudden sense of dread and fear when asked to do something on the spot? Why did I have to take at least one week off school a term? Why did life feel so bloody difficult for me? So many questions. And to be honest I still don't quite know the answers. However I am getting there, slowly. I was diagnosed with chronic depression when I was 16 (I am now 21). The first step I ever took to treating the way I felt was being referred to CAMHS. I was dealing with a lot and I thought that once I got trough this patch everything would be back to normal, but it never was normal in the first place. My current doctor explained to me that my brain doesn't make enough of a certain chemical. That's it. It's a chemical imbalance and it's not anyone's fault, there's nothing that could have been done to avoid it, it just is. And it always will be. It was a very scary time when I had to actually hear and LISTEN to those words. I had read that that was probably the case for me, that it was chemical and would always be like this, but actually hearing my doctor tell me that, hearing the words out loud by someone who knew what they were talking about and someone who cared. (I am very very lucky to have the doctors I do, they are wonderful). It became real. Finite. When I try to explain it I often draw parallels to diabetes and I think that made it easier for myself and others around me to understand. You can't see diabetes either! It's scary finding out that you've got an issue you have to deal with for life. But if you're reading this and are in that situation now or may be, I want you to know - you are not alone. There are thousands of us. It can be taboo but here it is not. There are coping mechanisms and maybe one day, we can live a semi normal life WITH depression.
Hugs Bunnie, x